In crisis? Call or text the new national hotline:
988
I don’t even have to read this stupid People article to know that at some point, Ashley Judd is lauded for being brave.
People will call you wild things. They will want you to be brave, they will call you resilient, they will force their worried wishes on you; you will feel the existential threat that Your Real Life Is. To them. Threatens the whole thing, makes them uncomfortable. They will want you to show them a triumphant story of hope and comebacks and ultimate victory. They will want you to show them that the impossible is survivable. They will want this whole mess to be over quickly. They will want your reassurance; they will ask you for it in a hundred absurd ways, and they’ll be confoundingly blind to the absurdity of their requests. They will show you that they need this. From you. Now. Your head will fucking explode. They’re scared. You’re scared. It does not go quickly. Do not seek to take care of them. Their comfort is not on you. Your survival is. Seek to do the smallest enormous things. Find a way to sleep. More than usual is not unusual. Ask someone to bring you a salad, and a blanket, instead of blinking in astonishment when you hear them say, walking away, “let me know if I can do anything.” Yes, please, could you bring me a salad and a soft blanket? See if they mean it. Some will. Some won’t, and it will absolutely floor you. Ask anyway. Someone will. Grief is exceptional at clearing the clutter of peripheral people. It shows you your army, and when it’s assembled, there will be some genuine surprises. You will laugh, darkly. Let yourself laugh. It reminds you to breathe. You do not owe anyone anything. You do not have to be an example. You do not have to be a martyr. You do not have to be good. You do not have to be brave.
To echo Mary Oliver: You do not have to be brave. You don’t.
You do not have to be a role model, nor a martyr, nor anything whatsoever. You only have to hear yourself and go in that direction. You do not owe anyone anything.
You do not owe anyone anything.
You do not have to be brave.
You do not owe anyone anything. They will make you a story. You have no control over that story. Loosen your grip on anything regarding your public image right now. They will make you a story. You have no control over their story. I can only tell you that it’s theirs. And that they will get it wrong, loudly, more than once. And that it hurts. And that you don’t get to dictate the stories they will tell. It’s out of your hands. They’ll do it, and it’s not worth the energy and strain that thinking about this creates. You don’t need their stories right now. I know. It’s so uncomfortable. It feels insane. It is insane. It is insane. Somehow release the idea that you can control what they say.
She is brave, though. And I trust her. When the person closest to you has ended her own life, you know things that no one should know. You’ve been asked to hold something impossible. Nope. It’s not fair. Nope. You did not deserve this. Nope. You did not cause this. Nope. Turn on the rainstorm app and try to breathe and sleep for eight hours. Ask yourself for grace. Ask everyone to bring you a salad and some water. And to speak uncomplicated words in dulcet tones.
Some won’t. This will be yet another astonishing heartbreak. You won’t believe it. It’s terrible. They just don’t know, but that doesn’t matter in the moment. It just hurts. It just hurts.
Give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling. It’ll soon become a both/and. It’s insane. It’s terrifying. It’s bullshit. It’s absurd. It’s yours.
theme and variations 