current fears, abridged

I fear that I will lose precious time to find it
While in quarantine for a year.
I worry that perhaps I have done it all so absurdly incorrectly that I don’t deserve to find it.
I worry that maybe I haven’t grieved long enough, or that I’ve grieved too much.
I worry that I have no sensei, and I worry because I need one.
I worry that I don’t trust myself enough.
I know I don’t.
I worry that everything is in an hourglass
And it’s all slipping away
I am scared because my entire career has to change
I am scared because I already knew that before the pandemic.
I am afraid that I won’t trust myself,
Again,
And that I will suffer worse and worse consequences.
I am scared because I want to give
But I feel so stunted
Haunted by these old and doorstep ghosts
And stopped before I start, really start, every time.
But maybe in this new silence I have space to dance anew.
Maybe.